Bipolar Depression: How do I leave me?

I have bipolar disorder and PTSD.

For months, I have had bipolar depression.

I was flat emotionally. I didn’t have any interest in playing my guitar or writing songs. I couldn’t, I didn’t have any creativity or energy. Too much work. I want to go back to bed and stay under the covers. Maybe I will watch Amazon on my phone.

I didn’t bathe. Cook nope. Just went to work, came home and went to bed. Repeat.

I was living life with no passion or purpose. Really, why am I still alive?

Yeah, wouldn’t it be better if I was dead?

How do I leave me?

That is what Bipolar depression looks like on me.

What did I do to stop suicidal thoughts?

I had been hospitalized three years ago and one of the things I did was write a love letter to myself. The idea was that if I ever thought about killing myself again, I could read the letter.

Well this time bucko, I read the letter. It pleaded with me to call my doc and get help. I did!

I recognized what was happening and that I needed help. I called my doctor and went in the next day first thing in the morning. She helped to up my dosage of both my meds.

What about meds?

I take Lamictal and Abilify prescribed medications. Both of them are mood stabilizers and are supposed to help both the highs and the lows. Suppose to even things out.

The problem is that they even out the highs and lows so much, that my emotions are just a straight flat line drawn across the page. I am emotionally flat.

I smoke cannabis to elevate my mood (get high) and inspire creativity. It works for a short period maybe a few hours. But during this time I was writing, blogging, and helping others in my online support group.

At night, I eat cannabis brownies or as I call them “Magic Brownies“. This is to put me into a deep sleep for 8 hours when I don’t have dreams. It is to combat my PTSD. The deep sleep as I like to call it is also helpful with mania. Normally with mania I don’t need to sleep. Cannabis knocks me out.

Mission Statement: What (Who) is my reason for living?

I had a couple of days off, so I decided to come up with a mission statement. What (Who) is my reason for living? Something I could look at along with the love letter. These together could stop me in my tracks and get me to seek help. (I was being my own therapist.)

But I wanted the mission statement to also find a way to live my life with passion. Get out of the flat zone.

  1. I decided that I wanted to move to St Louis and be a grandpa and dad in person and not just over the phone. In order to do that I need a new career. Something that I would enjoy and have a passion for life again.

  2. I have a passion for writing. I could become a freelance writer. Write blogs. Maybe write about aviation as a pilot.

Now I have a daily reason for living. I have goals. I have dreams. I’m normal again.

Published by BbqDad

pilot poet dad "I can open a pickle jar with my bare hands!"

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